One Tuesday evening, as we were getting home from work, my cousin and I started talking about our childhood. We were remembering her favorite pair of tie dye jeans, that she loved to wear. We reminisced over how much smaller we were compared to our current sizes, and how we had always felt so big and fat in comparison to everyone our age. We could look at pictures of ourselves growing in age and clothing size, and thinking, "I was only a little chubby here, and I thought I was the fattest person ever." So many pictures & memories, of bad body images issues, body shaming we went through from family and at school. I can remember being 8 years old and already much thicker than my older sisters, and constantly being reminded of how ‘gorda’ I was.
It was starting to get a little depressing, so we decided to turn our self-hate into fuel for kicking our weight loss up a notch. We first tried on some clothes that used to wear, so that we can gauge how much we need to loose/how long it would take us to be that size again. We can remember the number on the scale when we wore certain sizes. We both got our own far away looks in our eyes, thinking how we should have just kept on being healthy and not expanding. Then my cousin thought it would be very motivational if we took pictures of ourselves in just undergarments. She though ot would be something we can look at, when we wanted to eat junk or got too lazy to work out, to remind ourselves that we didn’t want to look like that again.
I am not going to lie, after seeing the pictures of ourselves, stripped nearly bare, I was so close to tears. At first I was stupefied, from seeing my whole front, back, and side view stripped so, and then I was disconsolate. I know it seems ridiculous, that I was so taken aback, when there is a mirror or reflection nearly everywhere you go, and that I have to have seen my whole self before. The reality is, I stopped looking at my reflection long ago, and I am not talking about when I brush my teeth, or wash my face. I mean really looked at myself. Some time ago, I must have made a conscious decision to not look at my body when I had no clothes on, because I hated what I saw. It became a habit, to not look at my own body, because I didn't like what I saw, and I felt helpless in how to change it. There are other personal reasons from my past, which have attributed to my self-disgust, but that’s just another excuse. Seeing my self so stripped, and closely resembling a tan combination of The Michelin/Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, was a blow that hurt deeply, but somehow seemed inflamed my resolve.
We decided to change the ‘diet’ up some, exercise 5x a week, and also keep under our daily calorie goal. It’s been a little over a week, and so far it has been more successful than my slightly altered version of the LCHF diet, and easier over the weekend as well. When I had my ‘cheat meal’ I didn’t gain 2-3 pounds as I did (plus more) when I was on the lchf diet. Sometimes when you don’t see any results on the scale or with your clothes, doesn’t mean that there isn’t a change. I had to remind myself that I started this quest not only to get physically fit and healthy, but also mentally and emotionally. I have already seen the physical, and emotional changes. I see my waist getting smaller (more like I now have a waist), and I am in a happier mood for longer periods of time. I will keep carrying the pictures around with me, but I have been on this quest just long enough to have kicked some bad, and gain some good daily habits.
I was 8 years old here, and had been told enough times that I was fat,
that I alredy believed it whole heartedly, 20 years ago this summer.
My left hand is up, in an already practiced effort, to cover my nonexistent jelly roll.
It was starting to get a little depressing, so we decided to turn our self-hate into fuel for kicking our weight loss up a notch. We first tried on some clothes that used to wear, so that we can gauge how much we need to loose/how long it would take us to be that size again. We can remember the number on the scale when we wore certain sizes. We both got our own far away looks in our eyes, thinking how we should have just kept on being healthy and not expanding. Then my cousin thought it would be very motivational if we took pictures of ourselves in just undergarments. She though ot would be something we can look at, when we wanted to eat junk or got too lazy to work out, to remind ourselves that we didn’t want to look like that again.
I am not going to lie, after seeing the pictures of ourselves, stripped nearly bare, I was so close to tears. At first I was stupefied, from seeing my whole front, back, and side view stripped so, and then I was disconsolate. I know it seems ridiculous, that I was so taken aback, when there is a mirror or reflection nearly everywhere you go, and that I have to have seen my whole self before. The reality is, I stopped looking at my reflection long ago, and I am not talking about when I brush my teeth, or wash my face. I mean really looked at myself. Some time ago, I must have made a conscious decision to not look at my body when I had no clothes on, because I hated what I saw. It became a habit, to not look at my own body, because I didn't like what I saw, and I felt helpless in how to change it. There are other personal reasons from my past, which have attributed to my self-disgust, but that’s just another excuse. Seeing my self so stripped, and closely resembling a tan combination of The Michelin/Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, was a blow that hurt deeply, but somehow seemed inflamed my resolve.
We decided to change the ‘diet’ up some, exercise 5x a week, and also keep under our daily calorie goal. It’s been a little over a week, and so far it has been more successful than my slightly altered version of the LCHF diet, and easier over the weekend as well. When I had my ‘cheat meal’ I didn’t gain 2-3 pounds as I did (plus more) when I was on the lchf diet. Sometimes when you don’t see any results on the scale or with your clothes, doesn’t mean that there isn’t a change. I had to remind myself that I started this quest not only to get physically fit and healthy, but also mentally and emotionally. I have already seen the physical, and emotional changes. I see my waist getting smaller (more like I now have a waist), and I am in a happier mood for longer periods of time. I will keep carrying the pictures around with me, but I have been on this quest just long enough to have kicked some bad, and gain some good daily habits.
-Madeline
