Results of Hard Work

I was sitting in my office, when A Thousand Years by Christina Perry began to play.  It was the song I chose to walk down the aisle to, and is very special to me.  It reminded me of the other day when I picked up my wedding dress from my dad’s house.  When we got home I got the idea to try it on, as soon as I got into my room.  I figured it would fit better, now that I lost a little weight.  I got My Love to help me tie up the upper half of my dress (the corset half), and take pictures for me to see.  

Left picture - When I tried on my dress for the first time

Right picture - This Monday night 

Missing Middle Picture  -  Between picking out the dress (pictured on the left) ,

 and  my wedding day (where I  gaind 15+ pounds and had to let out a few inches in the corset area)

I was so amazed that my hard work, four months in to my weight loss journey so far, has resulted in not only having the dress fit better, but be too big!  That was as tight as we could lace it up.  And to think I had actually gained fifteen to twenty pounds in between the first picture on the left, which is me trying it on for the first time, and my wedding day, where I had to have it let out a couple inches in the corset area.  The picture on the right, I took on Monday of this week.  My bottom and waist have shrunk along with my upper back fat.

I have been in such a great mood since then, that I started to make lots of other before and after’s.  Here’s to keeping up the good work, and maybe kicking it up a notch!

Fourth of July and Our Honey’s Birthday's

For the 4th of July this year, my cousin invited us to Winstar World Casino.  I have been there many times, and a few times I have stayed at the Casino’s Hotel.  I am not going to tell you how we all got sick from a lot of the terrible food there (which was a first for me), or how our room had a busted toilet, but I am going to say that I ate a lot of not good for me foods. 

Here is my cousin and I in the hotel room, 

taking selfie's while the spouses wait :)

While we were there I had french fries from Chips ‘N Ales, a slice Alfredo Florentine pizza and cheese tortellini at Matador’s, a Caprese Sandwich with a baked potato from Terrace View Café.  On the way back home, we stopped at the Cracker Barrel, and had delicious food for half the price of any crap from Winstar.  I ate french toast, hash browns, eggs, and a biscuit.  All the food was vegetarian friendly, but a lot of fatty carbs and loads of evil calories.  The only plus side is that we walked for a couple hours and it was a lot of fun.  I also had some Black Heart Rum, which tasted pretty yummy with coke.  To make matters worse, we got home and realized we were low on groceries, and so the carb loading continued on to Sunday night.  

I am treating this as a lesson that needed to be learned.  Holiday’s do make it a lot more difficult, no matter how you celebrate, if you don’t make planning your meals a priority.  I am not even going to get on that scale for at least a week, so I won’t feel even more disappointed.  Oh, I almost forgot to add that today is My Honey’s birthday, so there was cake and ice cream last night.  Here’s to getting back at it!

-Madeline

Tenth Time’s a Charm – Tales of an Aspiring Vegetarian

When I was around nine or ten years old, I went to Guadalajara, Mexico with my Grandmother and cousins.  At some point in time we went to visit my Aunt’s Farm.  I have always been clumsy and I also do not think I had eye glasses yet, but while walking around the farm, I accidently stepped on a chick. My aunt had to put it down because I hurt it pretty bad, and to this day that incident bothers me.  Another time, when I was the same age-ish, I witnessed the same Grandmother kill a chicken.  Of course she had them there to feed herself, and she raised kids on a farm, but to me it was her killing a chicken.  I was shocked, I couldn't look away.  I don't know if I blocked out parts of the scene, or if I closed my eyes for part of it.  

It's safe to say that these occurrences, among others, have given me a pretty strong protective instinct for all animals.  Fast forward about 10 years, and I was on the internet, learning about all the animal cruelty that goes on for food and for fur.  That pushed me over the edge of just purposely ignoring how meat got into the package or in my burger, to becoming a vegetarian and not contributing or participating in any of it. 

Now, I am only human, and anytime it was too expensive, or inconvenient, I would fall back into eating meat.  I can’t say that I won’t fail again, but this time I will try my very best to stick with it.  That lifestyle is something I don’t want to take with me on this journey.  It makes me feel good to know that I am helping (in my miniscule way) to not only become healthier, but help our environment, save animals, contributing to vegan and vegetarian companies, and do what I feel is the right thing, in the process.

Here is a Vegan ShoppingGuide for anyone interested, and some Accidently Vegan stuff found at the grocery store.  I am sure there are some restaurants near you, like these, that have vegetarian alternatives.  And here is some eye candy :) I love Chester.

-Madeline

You Live and Learn

For a full week I skipped the gym, and I had to learn the hard way, that it was a mistake.  The short time I had been going to the gym turned out to be a great way for me to release my stress, anger, and anxiety.  I know that it’s almost common knowledge, but when you learn for yourself, and you get a chance to experience the positive effects of regular exercise, it’s even more awesome.  The  week we didn’t go to the gym was just pure laziness.  I have always had an anxiety disorder, but it had been getting worse these past few years, and for the second time this year I had a panic attack at work.

Monday morning started off the same as it always has, I pray that it’s actually Sunday, then I get ready and head to work.  At around noon I started to feel shaky, faint, short of breath, chest discomfort, tingly, etc.  I knew the drill, I just had to breathe in and out, concentrate, and wait for it to pass.  Only, it just got worse as the time ticked buy, and I tried harder and harder to reign it in.   Great, I happen to be having one of the worst panic attacks, at the office.  I was experiencing 8 of the 13 symptoms below, for 3 hours straight, before I gave in and went home.  

“According to the DSM-IV-TR, a panic attack is characterized by four or more of the following symptoms: “
1. palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
2. sweating
3. trembling or shaking
4. sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
5. feeling of choking
6. chest pain or discomfort
7. nausea or abdominal distress
8. feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
9. feelings of unreality (derealization) or being detached from oneself (depersonalization)
10. fear of losing control or going crazy
11. fear of dying
12. numbness or tingling sensations (paresthesias)
13. chills or hot flushes

Luckily my cousin had some meds handy and with a nice concoction I started to feel “better.”  I had to miss work the next day, because I still had half of the symptoms of the day before.  by this morning, I was actually starting to feel almost normal again, when this afternoon, it started all over again. Tingling followed by lightheadedness, then pounding heart, the fear of losing control, and shortness of breath etc.  I tried to calm down on my own, to no avail.  I finally sat down and spoke to a friend/coworker.  They too suffer from anxiety,and we were able to have a short conversation, that seemed to help me overcome it.  I decided that I will no longer skip gym time, which I have so quickly begun to depend on.  I knew I had been feeling really antsy, lately, and I that voice was chiding me for not listening.

-Madeline

That Stranger in the Mirror

One Tuesday evening, as we were getting home from work, my cousin and I started talking about our childhood.  We were remembering her favorite pair of tie dye jeans, that she loved to wear.  We reminisced over how much smaller we were compared to our current sizes, and how we had always felt so big and fat in comparison to everyone our age.  We could look at pictures of ourselves growing in age and clothing size, and thinking, "I was only a little chubby here, and I thought I was the fattest person ever."  So many pictures & memories, of bad body images issues, body shaming we went through from family and at school.  I can remember being 8 years old and already much thicker than my older sisters, and constantly being reminded of how ‘gorda’ I was.

I was 8 years old here, and had been told enough times that I was fat, 

that I alredy believed it whole heartedly, 20 years ago this summer.

 My  left hand is  up, in an already practiced effort, to cover my nonexistent jelly roll.

It was starting to get a little depressing, so we decided to turn our self-hate into fuel for kicking our weight loss up a notch.  We first tried on some clothes that used to wear, so that we can gauge how much we need to loose/how long it would take us to be that size again. We can remember the number on the scale when we wore certain sizes. We both got our own far away looks in our eyes, thinking how we should have just kept on being healthy and not expanding. Then my cousin thought it would be very motivational if we took pictures of ourselves in just undergarments. She though ot would be something we can look at, when we wanted to eat junk or got too lazy to work out, to remind ourselves that we didn’t want to look like that again. 

I am not going to lie, after seeing the pictures of ourselves, stripped nearly bare, I was so close to tears.  At first I was stupefied, from seeing my whole front, back, and side view stripped so, and then I was disconsolate.  I know it seems ridiculous, that I was so taken aback, when there is a mirror or reflection nearly everywhere you go, and that I have to have seen my whole self before.  The reality is, I stopped looking at my reflection long ago, and I am not talking about when I brush my teeth, or wash my face.  I mean really looked at myself.  Some time ago, I must have made a conscious decision to not look at my body when I had no clothes on, because I hated what I saw.  It became a habit, to not look at my own body, because I didn't like what I saw, and I felt helpless in how to change it.  There are other personal reasons from my past, which have attributed to my self-disgust, but that’s just another excuse.  Seeing my self so stripped, and closely resembling a tan combination of The Michelin/Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, was a blow that hurt deeply, but somehow seemed inflamed my resolve. 

We decided to change the ‘diet’ up some, exercise 5x a week, and also keep under our daily calorie goal.  It’s been a little over a week, and so far it has been more successful than my slightly altered version of the LCHF diet, and easier over the weekend as well.  When I had my ‘cheat meal’ I didn’t gain 2-3 pounds as I did (plus more) when I was on the lchf diet.  Sometimes when you don’t see any results on the scale or with your clothes, doesn’t mean that there isn’t a change. I had to remind myself that I started this quest not only to get physically fit and healthy, but also mentally and emotionally.  I have already seen the physical, and emotional changes. I see my waist getting smaller (more like I now have a waist), and I am in a happier mood for longer periods of time.  I will keep carrying the pictures around with me, but I have been on this quest just long enough to have kicked some bad, and gain some good daily habits. 

-Madeline

Great Weekend and Terrible Food Choices

This weekend I went to my Aunt’s lake house with my cousins.  I had a marvelous time relaxing, and bonding with my family.  We watched movies, took naps, played card games, and went fishing.  We were eaten up by bugs, but we caught and released some catfish, a turtle, and bass.  For the first time, in almost a year, My Love got to take more than one day off!  Finally, a normal 2 day weekend for My Honey Pot :)

The one downside to this weekend, was that I ate crap for almost three whole days, and gained 4 pounds.  Four.  Pounds.  How the HELL does someone do that to themselves?  It’s ridiculous, and I only ruined all the progress I made.  So disappointed in myself, but tomorrow is another day.

All I can do now is try my best to lose this weight and get back on track.  Easier said than done, but I gotta do it!

-Madeline

My Horrendous Mother’s Day Weekend

This past weekend was the second Mother’s Day, I have been through, without my Mom.  My Mother was taken away from me, on July 31st, 2012 by Cancer.  She was diagnosed in May 2012, with stage 4 liver cancer, and was gone, an all too short, 3 months later.  My mother was my world, she was the only good in my life, the only one I truly cared for, and who cared for me just as much in return.  The Mexican Mother’s Day is the day before Mother’s day in the US, so the whole weekend was a constant reminder of the amazing mother that I lost.  It's sad that could not even wish my close friends and family a Happy Mother’s day.  It utterly consumes my thoughts, and I try to flee from this.  Then I had 4 other equally bad occurrences this weekend.

“And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.”

― Tiffanie DeBartolo

To top it all off with the proverbial ‘cherry’, these horrendous events obliterated my will power, and I ate anything I wanted for two whole days.  Never mind the fact that I was to start my first DietBet on Monday.  When I officially weighed in on Sunday, I found that I had gained 3 pounds.  By Monday morning, it was another 2 pound gain.  That makes 5lbs. total in one little bitty weekend.  I had to start my DietBet at a -2lbs.
 

On a happy note, I have survived the weekend, a little stronger for it.  If it weren’t for my Husband and a handful of close friends and family members (that didn’t cause other said occurrences), I don’t know what I would have done.  Also, I will not let this past weekend steal my focus, and now I know for future times.  I will lose the 5 pounds I gained, and I will lose a minimum of my 4% for my DietBet.  I am determined, ready, and nothing will stop me.

-Madeline